I’m writing to share how “Not Me Not Today, MF” is a life lesson that I received from Krav Maga.
I entered my first Krav classes with hesitation and great doubt that I could ever physically defend myself. This changed over time though Krav Maga is not easy and I’m barely a novice. What Krav Maga gave me was a change in mindset. Through Krav Maga, I learned protective skills I carry with me to improve and empower my life.
There is an image in most people’s minds of what is an abused woman. It’s ok, I had this image, until it happened to me. In recent interviews about her directorial debut movie Bruised, Halle acknowledges that she has portrayed characters that fit on the surface with some of the stereotypes. She has also played strong empowered women as Sofia Al-Azwar in John Wick, Storm in X-Men and Catwoman in the Batman series.
Halle Berry is a fellow domestic abuse survivor. Halle shared in the interview that neither her job, her good looks nor her many successes have prevented her from experiencing abuse in her life. She bravely said, why not her?
Halle takes care to refute cultural myths of abused women as uneducated, drug abusing, low income, single mothers and who are emotionally weak – the kind of women who “end up” abused. Domestic abuse cuts across race, age, income levels, family status and education levels. There is no stereotype other than women are disproportionately abused at home and in the workplace.
Listening to Halle Berry, the interviewer asked her why she loves boxing? Her response was immediate and visceral. She’s shared that she has and will continue to train because she needs it. That it’s a release and empowering for her to be able to defend herself. We know that threat is first experienced within our body and directly in the gut. I couldn’t agree more with Halle which is why I believe all girls and women need self defense training.
Women experience a lifetime of conflicting cultural messages from religion and society. Women can be successful but make no mistake, our role is to be successful and keep the peace. Women can pursue a career but better be sure to also be compliant. There are many consequences for women who are assertive. I fit none of the stereotypes and yet I had accepted silencing my gut in the home to raise my kids. Thankfully, I’m one of the lucky ones who can move on.
1 in 3 women will experience domestic abuse in their lifetime. 90% of DV is perpetrated by men. Women attempt to leave on average 7x before moving on. This means it could be your sister, friend, mother, niece or even your daughter at some point in their lives. It will be someone you love and care about who may never share their truth.
Despite all this, it’s important to balance the knowledge with the notion that sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. We all make mistakes and need to do a better job of communicating healthy boundaries. I am optimistic that there has been progress made in the work place.
Sadly, I was recently reminded of how insidious coercive control is when it presented itself in my professional life. I applied for a scholarship for a national professional conference. It required me to share details of financial need and personal circumstances. I’m not comfortable asking for help but it’s an opportunity to enhance my career. I was thrilled to learn I had been awarded the scholarship by a committee of my peers.
Not 24 hours later, that thrill became a feeling of disgust and dread. One of the male committee members contacted me by email. I have no connection to him professionally. He let me know he was on the scholarship committee. That he had spoken highly of me and my application. He then said I needed to accept his invite as a friend on Facebook. That he knows we have many mutual colleagues I have accepted as friends. Women know the difference.
If you read this and think… it’s no big deal, ignore it. You’re part of the problem. My gut felt disgust and discomfort and I knew what I needed to do next. I chose “Not Me, Not Today MF” – a lesson I learned from Gus.
Gus taught us early on in class that we train because Avoid or Deflect is a first line but its not always a realistic option. In Krav Maga, training is to move in to defend ourselves against an attacker. That there is only one desired outcome, to get away safely and if need be, disable your attacker to ensure we protect ourselves and loved ones from harm.
Gus shared a story of a female victim who felt “Not Me, Not Today” and it inspired her to tactically and strategically disable her attacker and stop a dangerous attack. Move in is the hardest concept to practice in Krav for me – it’s challenging to move in to grapple with conflict. It’s also an internal process, to assess a situation and decide what you need to be safe. Not today stuck with me.
Fortunately, we don’t often need to call upon our need to defend. I attuned to my gut and chose, “Not me, not today, MF”. I sent his email to the Director of the organization. I’m involved in making significant changes to ensure this never happens again. I am empowered to protect my peace of mind. Just one of the many lessons I carry with me off the mat from Krav Maga.
